She knows nothing about what it takes to be a leader. She should just stay in her lane.
"She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She won’t make the cut. I don’t even know what she’s trying to prove.”
These words were said about me. Not to my face - but in a meeting behind closed doors.
A colleague who heard the conversation pulled me aside later and asked: “Ingrid, what are you going to do about it? Do you want to follow it up? Confront them? Something else? ”
No. My answer was: “I’ll do nothing.” But I didn’t actually do quite nothing. At least, not quite. I went ahead and asked people that were in the room about the comments. Yes, curiosity got the better of me. More importantly although I didn't know it at the time I was more interested in my reaction.
For sure, human curiosity got the better of me; And of course I wanted to ask the individual directly. But as I got to the bottom of the comments I was more surprised about my reaction to the situation.
The actual comment didn’t stir any internal triggers… for a second or two.
If this had happened years earlier, it would have wreaked havoc deep inside. I would’ve felt my entire world was crashing down.
I would have questioned everything. And I would’ve let it define every part of me.
Anyway… there was enough gossip. Some took the mickey that I was in the “dog house” . Some thought I was weak for not taking some sort of action. Others called out the person on their insecurities, level of unprofessional behaviour and put down of fellow women, and challenged them to look into their own shadow that made them say those comments.
Of course in all of this there were times that I was going down the victim rabbit hole. But as I got into what was behind those comments, I realised: “Oh, ok, there’s no raw ill feelings or emotions there ….nothing.”
Actually, no - that’s not true.
In fact - and this really did surprise me to the point where I was and I don’t say this lightly, - I felt immense gratitude and appreciation.
You see, for years, I’d thought if I worked hard and focused on driving results after results, I’d continue to rise up the corporate ladder. And here I was working harder and harder - with no recognition.
And there was one thing that I battled with constantly; I was cancelling myself out and shutting down doing the work I love because I knew I wasn’t going to break through that “ceiling”. It was time to walk away. And I did.
This was the only time when I walked away from a job that had not run its course.
Not because I felt I had no choice.
Not because I felt I was defeated.
But because I had finally outgrown the space I was trying so hard to fit into.
My emotions were a rollercoaster. I cannot remember the exact details of each conversation. But I can remember how I felt during the final discussions:
Belittled.
Worthless.
Questioning myself - self doubt.
Wondering if I had “Failed”.
“I listened to the inner voice. I had no idea how things were going to unfold. But I followed my ultimate truth. That inner knowing that you can’t quite put into words.
In that moment, I knew I had to walk away. I knew that this environment was truly not going to do me any good. I just couldn’t find the positives of such dark energy. It was against my integrity and values as a leader and an individual.
And after we parted our way?
I spent months wrestling with emotions.
You can perhaps imagine how I felt about the situation afterwards. I just couldn’t believe the level of unprofessional behaviour and the guilting to say that I started the whole thing ... I guilted myself for attracting the person into my experience, let alone “trusting” their integrity.
For sure, I knew there were reasons for creating this experience (personal feedback, something I can learn from and improve) and higher PURPOSE - something to do with the future and a preparation for something bigger, more meaningful in my life.
After all, I’d been saying for so long:
No matter how bad some of our experiences are packaged, it's all set up for something bigger … if we are willing to discover and allow “it”.”
And I was looking for that higher calling; the diamond in the rough. I was looking for that gift! For…days, weeks, months.
The fact that I attracted, and trusted this person because of their perceived strong personal agency (something I was at the time attracted to; clearly believing I didn't have it) - was obvious to me.
In every way this experience invited me to step into my true self expression and OWN my personal power.
Then, there was this whole shame and guilt thing. It was tricky to fully let go and embody a new paradigm. New perspectives. It triggered a juxtaposition big time. I was conflicted with an inner sense of calm juxtaposed with a victim mindset.
Over time, I learned to activate the newer version of me and integrate this experience without the energetic baggage.
I learned that no nay-sayer, hater or shamer can take anything from us. That is, only YOU can give them energetic permission. And that’s what I had been doing for years.
Until I didn’t.
But there was one thing I battled with for many, many months:
“I know better than you”.
“I am superior to you”.
“My word is gospel.
You’ll only deal with me.”
Superiority.
Distorted “AS F***” feminine collective”.
Call it for what it is - whatever you like.
I couldn’t find the positive purpose of such “dark” stuck energy. It was against every one of my values. Against every standard I adopted as a leader, as an individual, and someone who celebrates the successes of women.
This way of leading was hugely uncomfortable and didn’t serve me one bit. And I was convinced it was hurting others too! In months to come I heard from a good few people who had similar experiences; reinforcing my personal belief and bias.
Until… in one moment, it clicked. And I was GRATEFUL again in that very random moment! I recognised with every fibre of my BEING two important things:
It wasn’t being done to me, or anyone else. That is how I chose to experience myself through her. The kink of feeling separated from your true self. GONE
There is a huge, positive benefit for such “ counter” energy. Except it’s not “counter”, let alone “wrong”. It’s simply to unmask your deepest fear inventory. It’s just different.
For some people, that colour of counter energy is exactly what they require and need to experience in order to expand into their higher personal power, true self and everything else good that comes with it (including better relationships, freedom, financial, for example.)
For others, it’s a way to have clarity on who they choose to be, and who they choose not to be in this lifetime. And that’s an important step in their soul plan journey.
And for some others, including myself … it’s all of the above. Including a way to integrate the things we claim we want but are afraid of to go and get it.
That is what this experience gave me.
In spite of the negative emotions and feeling and the grieving period this turned out to be one of my greatest lessons when it comes to discerning energetic (and particularly shadow) transmutation.
With that, I would like to leave this post with two messages.
One for those involved (since I know they will read it):
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I couldn’t appreciate at the time the power of that brief experience with you. I couldn’t appreciate YOU and YOUR style. Now I can. You helped me to fully surface and integrate a whole nest of fears and counter energies.
And through that, I’ve come to scrape off the old layers of paint that had been hardened and know that we cannot bypass experiences to fulfil our desires. I’ve become a more powerful woman, leader, creator, entrepreneur, strategist and mentor. It was worth curtailing my career and more.
Thank you for your amazing work. We will never agree on some nuances of leadership and femininity methodologies. We don’t need to. But I can say with a clear heart today that I fully appreciate how you choose to show up. Perhaps, you can start to allow yourself to be free now and lead without judgement and fear today? Or tomorrow? You’ll know the best. <7
The second one is for YOU, that is reading this:
Go and find your biggest ‘detractor’ or shadow. The people who you feel have wronged you. Hurt you. Shamed you. Guilt you. Crossed Your Boundaries. Set you back. And start unpacking that buried box, until you find the brilliance inside.
It’s there. And if you can’t find it, search some more. Do an inquiry. It’s there. I promise you this, I cannot fully express the power of such willingness to search in these limited words - it will change your life.
So, go out there and share what’s inside of you with more people.
Even if someone tells you that you have no idea what you are talking about.
It matters. YOU matter.
Warm blessings,
Ingrid
PS: If you know you're being called to master your ENERGY and choose to value your in a way that you deal with + let conflict go while creating the most extraordinary life you and your business, I'd love you to take a look at my expansive containers. We put your energy to work in every area of your life and business to align you the highest expression of the true YOU.
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